The Connection Between Our Home Setting & Our Well-Being
A theme that I find myself continuously curious about is the connection between how someone feels emotionally and how they feel in their home environment. Often there’s a correlation in that when our homes feel better, people seem to feel better. This has both tangible implications in terms of clutter and perhaps cleanliness, yet also relational implications. We also know that it’s not always so clear and simple. Certainly a home can be decluttered and clean and someone be in a place where they do not feel good emotionally, and sometimes our closest relationships are going well, and we are still not feeling good on the inside. Yet it does seem that what’s going on in our home setting certainly impacts our well-being. Just like I find myself curious about this connection, I encourage you to get curious for yourself. What is the connection between your home environment and how you feel?
Relationally
If you are sharing your home with others, then how things feel relationally with those you live with, may very much impact how you might feel. If you live by yourself, consider simply how you feel in your closest relationships even if those people do not share your home.
As people we have basic needs in relationships to feel connected and to feel safe. Ideally, these go hand in hand, so that there is an alignment around both needs being met. Often, though, connection is kind of a dance between times of more connection and more distance. It’s not always about the amount of time spent together, but how connected you feel when together as well as how confident and secure you feel in the connection when you are apart. Connection is built through small exchanges of showing up, turning towards, and spending enjoyable time together.
Safety often makes us think of physical safety. Of course, every human being should not live under the threat of violence and abuse within their own home. Safety is a need, like breathing, and every person is worthy of feeling safe. Feeling safe also has emotional ramifications. Emotional safety is made up of lots of components, but involves dynamics like trust, honesty, respect, feeling loved and cared for, and having a voice. It's about treating others and being treated as a person of worth and value.
This is a loaded topic because someone can feel threatened even when another person does not intend that. For example, if you grew up in a home where there’s a lot of yelling, and it was not scary to you, just a normal expression of feelings and then you marry someone where there was either no yelling in their family or yelling triggered fear, then your spouse or partner may really struggle if there’s any yelling in your home. They may not feel safe. This is less about an exact science and more about paying attention to how you and the others in your home feel and strengthening communication about the dynamics, so that you can communicate and strengthen the felt sense of safety.
For Reflection
How connected do you feel with the people under your roof?
How much conflict do you feel with those you share your home with?
Is there any laughter?
Do you know that those you share a space with are for you?
Can you trust the people you live with?
Do you have a voice in your own home?
Do you feel safe physically and emotionally with those you share a home with?
What triggers you to not feel safe?
Can you communicate about this in an honest and vulnerable way–caring to listen and simply hear each other?
Practically
Pay attention to how you feel in your space. Notice how you feel when there is more order and less clutter in your home. Maybe this looks like not dodging shoes, bags, papers, and dirty clothes as you walk across the floor. Maybe this looks like knowing where to find things you need. Maybe this presents as having an easier time getting dressed because the clothes in your dresser and/or closet actually fit. Pay attention to how you feel when your home is more on the clean side (not perfect) than the filthy side. Also notice if it's ever badly in need of cleaning and how that feels to you.
Notice whether you are really overwhelmed by all that needs to be done both in terms of clutter and cleaning. Sometimes in the face of overwhelm, we can naturally have a freeze response where we are paralyzed by the vast amount of things to do so much so that we do nothing. If you are desiring more order in your home, yet feel overwhelmed, remember to start small. Keep your gaze on the task at hand, so that you can leverage your motivation and see fruit from your efforts.
I love the concept of naming your priority. We can not equally attend to all aspects of a home ourselves every second, so consider your priority. What does prioritizing one aspect of your home feel like for you? Instead of focusing on all that is not done, focus your energy on your priority. This may look like noticing that all rooms are not equal. You may have one room that the state that it’s in impacts how you feel in your home more than other rooms. Practice focusing on your priority by intentionally containing other aspects of your home. This may look like bringing all your intention to the one task at hand for that moment and tuning out the rest intentionally. Once that priority is tended to, scan for your next priority and set your intention.
If clutter is overtaking your space, consider your internal narrative. Do you give yourself permission to throw things out? To donate them? To say goodbye and let someone else enjoy the items? How might simply keeping a bag or box ready at all times to put things into as you come across them impact your home?
Decluttering and cleaning are really two separate tasks. Which one impacts how you feel the most in your home? For some people practicing picking up clutter more often helps them feel better on a day to day basis until there is more energy, space, or resources for the cleaning to be tackled.
For Reflection
How do you feel in your own home when you take in the setting around you?
Do you find yourself enjoying your space or cringing?
When there’s a lot of clutter, how does it affect you?
When it’s dirty and very much in need of cleaning, how does it sit with you?
What is the connection for you in regards to the state of your home and how you feel?
What do you need to feel better in your home environment?
What is a small change you can implement that might have a profound impact on your well-being?
We know that well-being is more complex than how we feel in our homes, yet we also can acknowledge that it plays a part. With so many things outside of our control, our homes are a place we can usually influence. How can you impact how you feel in your own home? What makes your home more life-giving to you--either relationally or practically?
Elizabeth B. Burton is a licensed professional counselor and life coach with Burton Counseling, PLLC. Elizabeth lives just outside of Chattanooga, TN., and you can learn about Elizabeth here. You can learn more about working directly with Elizabeth here. Elizabeth also provides support to individuals and groups through an online course on Coping with Anxiety & Stress and through providing workshops. Elizabeth communicates about mental health and well-being through both the Narrating Hope newsletter and podcast as well as through her writing. Elizabeth would love to connect with you and welcomes you to sign up for the newsletter, listen in to the podcast, reach out about working together, and connect on social media.