...So if you are somebody who can relate to this dynamic of guilt showing up pretty often for you in your thought narrative, I want to encourage you to get real curious about how it shows up for you, when it shows up for you, what the message is, and if it is something that helps you get back on track with the way you want to live, great. Listen to it, pay attention. If there's something with your morals or something that's dangerous and risky and really not how you want to live, then guilt can be really, really helpful.

But if you are somebody that this is a common dynamic for in terms of your thoughts and your thought patterns—just as you go about your daily life and as you shift from tending to one task and one person and one responsibility to the next, then let's really start to challenge that guilt narrative. Is it motivating you? Is it helpful? Is it encouraging?…

But an element of self-compassion that is not as intuitively known and recognized is that part of what can help encourage us to be more self-compassionate is learning about this process of overidentification and really beginning to challenge it within ourselves when we do it and press more instead of into mindfulness. And what I mean by that and what she really means by that through her research is that many times as people, something happens and we over identify with what it means...

The other area that being a good friend to yourself really applies is the idea of our thoughts. And again, many times we are more naturally encouraging towards a friend when they're going through a hard time in our words towards them than we are to ourselves.

So moving towards a more self compassionate narrative is a huge way to be a greater friend to yourself. And examples of that would be like “hey, it's okay,”or “you made a mistake, let's acknowledge it.” But your life is not over, all is not doomed, you can try again, you can show up, it's a new day…it's really just softening the narrative from anything that's so harsh, condemning or accusatory to an inner narrative that is more motivating, more encouraging.

Just because something's been a pattern doesn't mean it has to continue. There is hope to break patterns—to create new dynamics…It's not the conflict itself that's the problem. It's really examining the patterns. Do we have healthy dynamics around communication? Do we have a posture of voicing in an assertive way what we're feeling and what we need and also listening to the person we're in relationship with, what's going on with them, what do they need? What do you need together for it to be a healthier dynamic?

It is very natural as people to be critical, to focus on the negative in a way where we take everything else really out of context and we build up and blow up the negative thought as truth, as everything, as the end of the story and it's just not. And when we can start to recognize that it's just a critical thought, just a critical thought about my body or a part of my body, but it doesn't tell the whole story. And then we can ground ourselves in really asking the question, what do I like about my body? My thoughts are naturally going to go to what I don't like and what I don't feel confident about. But how can I widen the context towards also looking at what I do like and naming that and grounding myself in the truth that none of us as real people are meant to have this media image, body or appearance all the time.

And it's a very natural phenomenon and very normal for someone to conclude if I just avoid what makes me anxious, then I will be safe, then I will be okay, then I will be less triggered. And while those things might be true in the short run, often over time, it's not a sustainable long term coping strategy. Because many times what we are avoiding are actually the things that help us grow and help us develop competence and help us develop a sense that we can navigate and be okay in and through hard things, that we can be triggered and be okay.

Some of us are more likely to admit that we have limits and are fairly in tune with naming those limits, and others of us are not and continue to hold up perhaps an unrealistic standard of what we feel like we should be or should be accomplishing or our capacity in a way that doesn't match our reality. And that can be a continual source of frustration, it can be a source of disappointment, and it can also really move into being more of a source of shame if the inner critic is so harsh.

So that when you have a narrative that's really causing problems because it's so rigid or fixed, it's so all or nothing that you can challenge it. I see this all the time with things like related to exercise or eating to soften that narrative of just because someone didn't exercise on one day doesn't mean they have to throw in the towel or that they're lazy.Actually it could have been what they needed, that they were sick or exhausted or had other priorities. And so we can make space for a softer narrative and that they can the next day, go for a walk again and keep living in the way that they value…

And I recognize that in the world that we live in, we are often rushing and going and hurrying from one thing to the next. Even how we might approach just each day through a to do list and checking things off, there can be this sense of “my whole day is based on my productivity.” And of course it feels great to check things off, but what happens sometimes is that we get in kind of an autopilot dynamic... And it takes some intentional reflection, which really comes from slowing down enough to even make space to consider how you're doing, the state of your heart, how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you need…

And yet it's so important to consider that concept of sustainability, because while caregiving may be a short term experience, it often is for a longer road. And in order to show up daily, or just about daily for another person, we need to be tuned in to the concept of considering also what we need in order to keep pouring out. I think all of you have probably heard that quote about how you can't pour from an empty cup. And it's one of those that no matter how many times you hear, it can be really good to keep being reminded and to consider for yourself...Am I filled up? What helps me keep pouring out? ...Of all the things, all the various coping strategies and choices and habits and things I can do with my time, which of those things are so life-giving to me that they help me pour out and care for the people that I need to care for?